Tjenare my friends! (that’s Swedish for howdy. I got Sweden in tonight’s sweepstakes…)
The Eurovision Song Contest 2012 is here, and The Lemon Press has whipped itself into a frenzy of excitement. Trust me. I bought a Union Jack cake from M&S. Only the best.
Join us as we blog the scantily-clad, autocued, neon, humpy, dinky hilarity to come!
Bloggging tonight are editors Olivia Waring and Rosa Wright, Chair Lois Stone (ironically seated on the beanbag), former secretary (sorry Kieran) Ellen Larsen, politics editor Charles Deane, dogsbody designer Cieran Douglass, deputy editor Tim Godfrey, fantastic athlete Dave Hughes and hanger-onner with a creepy flat, Dave Walker. As we have all been assigned countries, we may be blogging as those countries….
HAVE A WONDERFUL NIGHT.
The Lemon Press: Well it’s goodbye from Engelbert, who is currently downing whiskey in the arms of Russian Granny no.1, and it’s goodbye from us. See you next year, when the same thing will basically happen again.
Europe: That, America, was courtship. You are now pregnant with our baby.
America: What the butt was that.
Sweden: Ja. We have won. Bring down ze streamers.
Cieran: I just wanna put it out there: swedes are vile. The vegetable, not the people. The people are nice.
Charles: Sweden officially win. But more importantly, Norway lose. WHY NORWAY WHY?
Ellen: The Stockholm City Council is watching this thinking, ‘No no no no!’ Winner gets to host next year.
Cieran: The man from Italy smiles and half the women in Europe are suddenly pregnant. They are okay with this.
Ellen: Englebert Humperdink is sitting in his little cubicle with a glass of port not giving a single care.
Cieran: There’s Norway that this can be happening…
Rosa: Sure the Lithuanian announcer is the same as the Lithuanian entry…
Ellen: The low points for Albania are such a SHAAAAAAyME!
Sweden: That gypsy has won us the competition, ja
Charles: Cieran: (On Cyprus giving 12 points to Greece.) Surprise of the evening. Me: Sur-prise or Cy-pruse?
Charles: Cieran thinks “She” (Slovenia) is scary.
Cieran: They’re really blazing through these this time.
Olivia: Handsome handsome handsome French man
Rosa: Liv is such a gracicous competitor.
Olivia: F*** you Malta
Ellen: Albania isn’t out yet! It’s just very far behind! SHAAAAY!
Cieran: We can’t think of that much witty to say about results. But Belgium gave us some points…
Olivia: SWEEEEDEEEEENNNN YEAH GET IN THERE mm.
Rosa: Liv wins a Disney Princess LED torch for the best national dress – a lovely ensemble based on the colours of Malta.
Rosa: Lois wins a Spongebob drinking cup for her national dish – some Greek sausage stuff!
Charles: Lex Luthor announces for Albania.
Olivia: Ellen wins Play-doh for her fact about Lithuanian animal traditions…. they might foretell your death……
Olivia: Danny Devito plays a pipe…djembe solo….. shaky camera work….. OOOOOooooo
Cieran: The interesting parts are sadly now over. Now it’s just tension and accents.
Charles: Dave Hughes and Olivia are mimicking all the dance moves in the recap. Fun times.
Rosa: I’m Hungary to win but I don’t think either of my sweepstakes will get Ger-many votes.
Sweden/Malta: Vote for us, yes? Olivia may win some money, yes?
Albania: We performed 3rd. We would like to remind you SHAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Turkey: Voting is not open yet, but Turkey Turkey Turkey!
Olivia: Gary Oldman????
Ellen: Wil Wheaton is performing tonight for Moldova.
Cieran: Electro-swing from Moldova. I will admit I’m quite a fan.
Tim: Watch this as you listen to Moldova http://i.imgur.com/hcFXf.gif …
Olivia: Azerbaijjan? Land of friends? I’m booking my plane now.
Rosa: They think it’s Moldova… it is now!!
Ellen: First Eurvision entrant to use the Sims as backup dancers.
Tim: Finally something vaguely resembling dubstep! Ukraine more like you rock my cranium…
OLIVIA: DUBSTEP. FINALLY.
Cieran: I’m actually quite enjoying this. I don’t regret buying a stake in Ukraine any more.
Rosa: Ukraine in the Membrane – Cyprus Hill.
Rosa: Sad clarinet man is sad.
Ireland: You’re welcome for the best performance of the night.
Olivia: ’Lovely boys’ eh Graham? Hmmmm…
Tim: Can’t fault the Irish for sending Power Rangers…
Cieran: Here’s my final sweepstaker. Hope it was a good buy (it probably wasn’t)
Ireland: We bring you tonight’s republic both from the land of Guinness as well as 1992.
Olivia: Jedward rocking the 80s vibe. In 2012.
Kanye West: Jedward, I’m really happy for you and I’m gonna let you finish, but ABBA had the best water-based Eurovision song of all time.
Charles: I said it last year and I’ll say it now: I am sorry for Jedward.
Olivia: Jedward, doing the gig they were born to do. Twice. As is the nature of their dichotomy
Cieran: I’m sure that the chord progression here is from Pirates of the Carribean.
Olivia: Tom Taylor’s ‘Metro Trains in Harrogate’ would be a million times better an entry than this sh**
Malta: WE ARE THE BIGGEST QUIFFY DOUCHEBAGS IN EUROPE. ‘This is the night’ where…. basically we are all waiting for Jedward.
Cieran: Malta is not just the principle ingredient in Engelbert’s Horlicks
Tim: Nice to see Moss putting in an appearance on the guitar for the German entry…
Olivia: You may have…. er…. a creepy man in a beanie, Germany, but we won the war
Cieran: He is quite clearly not standing still
Rosa: Deutchland Deutchland uber alles (in the sweepstake)
Spain: Mejor. Entrada. De Eurovisión. Siempre.
Rosa: EEEVEN IF YOU CANNOT HEEEEEEEAR MY VOICE, I’LL BE RIGHT BESIDE YOU DEEEEEEEEEEEAR
Spain: Viva España! Vamos a ganar! Porque hay razones.
Turkey: Keep dancing, gay sailor Batman. You make Turkey proud.
Tim: how did they get Fagin to do the Turkish entry?
OLIVIA: I’M A COCKNEY GEEZER WITH A CAPE
Turkey: We hosted 3 of the most powerful empires in history. We have the earliest known neolithic human settlement. We introduced the world to coffee, tulips, and provide 70% of the world’s hazelnuts. We are the greatest nation on earth. And we have no plans to win Eurovision this year.
Cieran: Ellen just said “TURKEYTURKEYTURKEYTURKEYTURKEY”
Olivia: Sacha Baran-Cohen????
Ellen: You can expect to hear all of these songs replayed tonight at Willow.
Sweden: See, our entrant is dark. We did not purge all of the gypsies in the eugenicist era….
Sweden: We’re the favourites to win, eh? Wallander… Ikea…. low death rate…. of course we’re going to win, bitches
Lois: If you listen closely, you can hear the subliminal message. “Please bail us out. Seriously, guys.”
Charles: “I think about you all the time.” That’s very nice but I barely know you.
Cieran: So apparently Greece can afford Music but can’t afford to pay back their debts?
Greece: We may have run out of money, but we will never run out of talent!
Ellen: That woman totally isn’t playing that couch.
Tim: That man with the cello definitely stole it and then got collared by a stage attendant and panicked…
Olivia: Gok Wan on the bagpipes
Rosa: Moonwalking bagpipes!
Cieran: Hey, Romania, can the UK have our bagpipes back?
Rosa: GET A TAMPON, STAT!
Charles: “When the music dies.” AKA Eurovision.
Sweden: We were going to enter the chef from the muppets….but his song just went “herdy gerdy herdy herdy herdy gerdy herdy gerdy herdy gerdy, etc”.
Rosa: Garabagh is rubbish.
Charles: Norway is my third and final sweepstake entry and their song is actually alright. BRING IT HOME NORWAY.
Olivia: M&S Union Jack cake hasn’t let us down. mmm.
Cieran: I just sweepstake-gambled and tried to buy Russia. It was 50/50 chance that or Ukraine, I got Ukraine
Olivia: Norway seems to have hired someone from Skins…
Lithuania: Well played, Estonia. I have no idea what you said, but you touched my Baltic heart.
Cieran: Estonia are the female Albania
Rosa: Italy blew their entire budget on BacoFoil.
Olivia: How many of these has Berlusconi banged, then?
Tim: Englebert is more foreign sounding than the hostess?
Lois: France’s shirtless men are putting up a valiant fight against Cyprus’s girly dancers.
Cieran: I also have France in the sweepstake. I like the song but it’s a shame that it’s in French.
Charles: I don’t understand this at all. Why did I get Cyprus in the sweepstakes? I wish I was watching the football. And that’s saying something.
Rosa: Cyprus Hill would be an awesome cover band.
Lois: And with that back bend, all of Europe got a hard-on.
Olivia: Cyprus are really bringing feminism back…
Cieran: FINALLY, cheesy europop. THIS is what Eurovision is all about. That and politics.
Olivia: Went to Cyprus once. Wasn’t great. I think there were two men having sex in a car… I was only 12….
Ellen: Iceland originally had planned on singing a different song, but the Eurovision Committee requested that they change it. ‘Pillage and Burn in the Name of Odinn’ will still be available on their upcoming album.
Rosa: Iceland? Where’s Kerry Katona?
Olivia: Someone call the nursing home…. now….
Tim: They’re like ewoks..
Lois: Confetti and/or flames are going to come out of the oven. I’m calling it.
Rosa: Engelbert isn’t sleeping alone tonight. Hump-a-dear old lady perhaps?
Ellen: The Russian Grannies arrive on stage by emerging out of one another, getting smaller and smaller.
Olivia: Gran?!? What the f—! You’re having a hysterectomy tomorrow….
Cieran: If you add an “n” to the end of Azerbaijan’s capital it becomes “Bakun”
Ellen: I miss Albania.
Cieran: Bosnia & Herzegovina are harking back to the ’80s with the hilariously large shoulder pads. Not the communism though. Not that.
Lois: Love’s blindness is best exemplified bystrippers as background dancers. FACT.
Lithuania: The ball is in your courts, Estonia and Latvia.
Olivia: I take that back. Finally some raw sex appeal.
Dave Dane Walker: Where’s his seeing-eye dog?
Olivia: This entry is a tad metaphor-heavy.
Tim: love is blind? Cue the heart shaped piñata…
Lithuania: Biggest Baltic State. Best Baltic State. Love is not blind, Donny Montell. Love is Lithuanian.
Malta: Pass ze maltesers….
Tim: I don’t speak this language… but I’m fairly certain the Albanian entrant isn’t actually saying anything anyway..
Albania: She won the Albania Grammy this year for they lyrics of this song. SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Olivia: Forget Albania, this bint’s got Al-mania. Shouting isn’t singing, love.
Albania: Our performer has come to you straight from her stint in The Fifth Element.
Cieran: I just wanted to comment that Tim is attempting to find interesting facts about Azerbaijan by asking Reddit.
Hungary: More leather than Engelbert Humperdink’s face.
Olivia: Fat Heston Blumenthal on synth….
Lithuania: We have a huge crush on Hungarian Bono.
Ireland: Engelbert Humperdink encapsulates all of the reasons we’ve stayed independent.
Cieran: Charles just commented that he’s waiting for Humperdinck’s “drop”, before making dubstep noises with his mouth.
Olivia: Engel’s mood… very purple…. he looks like a decrepit Ken doll
Rosa: This contest has more Hump than a caravan of camels.
Cieran: In our sweepstakes that we’re running I’ve got the UK. So this is me rooting for the UK, and we’re first!
Olivia: ….oh god. sideburns
Lois: “There’s a smell of wet paint in the air.” Thank you, Graham Norton, for knowing what gets me excited for an event.
Olivia: Two women. Left-field. One on the left looks like Audrey Tatou.
Tim: Fairly certain that no one is actually singing yet. Gotta love lip Sync.
Turkey: We invented everything. We’re going to win this.
Cieran: For those following the blog last year, I just want to say that I have no hard feelings to the nation of Azerbaijan. Despite what last year’s comments might imply…
Olivia: Dancing butchers. Interesting.
Olivia: Ah Graham. That cheer will surely deteriorate.